5am and my backache
is killing me. Crazy sore, crazy painful. It isn't insanely bad right now but it was so horrible earlier on at night that I couldn't do anything at all. Like sitting down doesn't help, lying down doesn't help, fucking standing also wouldn't work. Sometimes it can be so bad that I could barely sleep or even awoken by the pain. I'm really tired anyway and I'm snuggling under the blanket as I'm typing this but I just have the urge to update this space before slipping right into lalaland.
Honestly, I'm not even sure
if I'm typing anything correctly because my lids feels so heavy and I feel like whatever I'm thinking right now is pretty incoherent with bits and pieces of thoughts here and there omg am I dream typing already!!!! A cup of hot vanilla would be so good right now. Random max.
Ginity stayed over at
my place last night though. Oh, someone just walked passed the corridor and I thought it was you. Sadly, it isn't. Anyway, like I was saying, Ginity came over my place last night. I was on Skype with her and she suddenly said, "I have something important to tell you."
Initially I thought
she needed to do something and had to end the conversation but she said, "I'm going over to your place to find you now." I cried on the spot. I was feeling so low yesterday and I just needed someone to talk to. We were snap-chatting and decided to Skype instead. Just minutes into skyping, she decided to come look for me right away. I was really touched and taken aback.
In case you don't know,
Ginity and I used to hang out very very often and she used to stay over at my place crazy frequently and it would always be like a 3-day straight kinda thing. My place = her home as well. But that was all back in 2011-13. We haven't been talking to each other and I never expected her to make such a move. Thank you love, it means a lot to me and I've no idea how to tell you how grateful I am.
We spoke for hours last night,
we didn't sleep till this morning. We updated so much about our lives and we were just so transparent to each other. Zero awkwardness, only pure comfort. I was elated. We had serious talks as well and at one point, I was so shocked by some of the stuffs she pointed out and I just froze because I was hit by a sudden wave of realisation. It's been so long since someone knocked some sense into me and I told her honestly that I never expected that person to be her.
Whatever she told me last night
made me think so much. Today, after sending her off, I took a walk around my neighbourhood and sat down at one of my usual spots. My head wasn't flooded with thoughts and I didn't want to move an inch at all. I just wanted to sit there, listen to the sounds of the environment, feel the weather and allow my thoughts to flow as freely as possible. That's it. No debating with myself or little me pressurising for anything. Just sitting there, being me.
I started doing a lot
of self-reflection and had so much more insight of what's happening around me. Everything started to make sense... Or at least clearer. It hit me hard. I started to update my private blog with my utmost inner thoughts. It was so raw, emotional and.. real. It was getting windy then, I felt so cold and alone. I missed him even harder. By the time I decided to head back home, I realised I already sat at the same spot for over an hour.
As I was walking away from
that spot, I actually wondered if I gained and lost during that moment of solitude. Did I leave something 'important' behind? Something dear to me? A certain emotion or a certain issue that I've been worrying about? Did I let them go along with the wind? Or have I gained and brought knowledge with me? What is it, really? What is this.. feeling? For the rest of the night I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't stop thinking about him and all the sudden realisations that hit me.
I took a hot bath
the moment I reached home and tried to shake those thoughts away. Quickly moved on to doing things that needed to be done and decided to join my brother and his girlfriend for a smoke in the living room. My brother was sharing stories to his girlfriend about my mom.. How wise a woman she was and how people respected her. The type of food we ate, the kind of environment we lived in when we were younger. So nostalgic.
I shared so much about my mom
to my brother's girlfriend as well. That moment felt as if my brother and I just went back to the older times with extremely vivid flashbacks flashing through my mind as we reminisce it together. I could remember the scenes so well, a particular scent or even the weather from more than 10 years ago. I missed everyone so dearly. My mom especially. I miss her so so much. My throat feels choked right now, I want to tear but I tell myself not to because I'm too tired and I wouldn't allow myself to go through yet another round of a emotional turmoil now.
My longing for her is almost indescribable.
It is so wistful and heartbreaking. I just wanna feel her warmth and snuggle in her arms. Sometimes when I can't express how I feel towards someone, a hug will suffice. It's like hoping they would know how I feel by hugging them. I almost lost it as I'm typing this. Because no matter where you are, no matter how far apart, no matter how heart-wrenching, I would still love you with all my heart, mom. My longing for you, is eternal.
Anyway, just realised
I did not update any photos of my brother from his ORD parade in my blog so here it is!!!
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| Once again, congratulations to my kor!!!! ♥♥♥ |
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| Thank you ah daddy, for openly taking pics of me all the time hahaha! My father just thought it was hilarious of me to be in this posture when I take pics for my bro lol. |
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| Couldn't stop taking tons of pictures with my bro!!! T_T ♥♥♥ |
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| Not my bro but he cute. Hahaha! |
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| Also coincidentally saw a friend that day!!!! It's been years since I last saw him. We had a good one hour talk though. :D |
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| Ok randomly inserting Ginity's snapchat here hahaha |
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| When I'm short and I can't reach the top shelves HAHAHA |
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| Also randomly inserting cute pics of furball!!!!!! |
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| Oh yes and I used the old cool cam polaroid today. |
Had a bit of hiccups
the first few times using it, but turned out fine after that! I suppose the cool cam is a pretty old polaroid model and the films are so costly with only one company manufacturing them!!! Like $35 onwards for a packet with 8 pieces of plain polaroid films inside. Each film took about 30-40 mins for the picture to generate and surface completely!!! Color is pretty purplish and vintage. I love it! :D ♥
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| So then I found an old polaroid picture of my dad. Guess what? |
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| It was taken in 1994 and so well preserved!!! And taken by the same polaroid model as well!!! |
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| Ending this blog post with a cute pic of my dog. I just updated his Instagram anyway, I was playing with him earlier on! |
It's really sweet
to watch the way he react to my touches and how he would just look at me in the eye as I pat him. It has been an interesting yet devastating night for me. I think I'm gonna try to sleep now! The backache is getting worse, fml.