Monday, 18 June 2012

Running to no where .

As the title suggests , 
I am running to no where . I feel like I need to go somewhere where I am happier , 
somewhere to rant , somewhere to heal my wounds , but then I realized , I've got no where to go . It's like running to no where , but only running away from problems and acting as if you're happy and fine with everything . Haven't you experienced that before ? 

And then as I switched on my
computer , as usual I checked my emails , blog , Nuffnang , and so on . 
I realized how my blog used to be a place for me to rant crazily . At the same time , I realized I have pending advertorials yet to be completed for blog shops . So the whole day tomorrow gotta be busy for me . I feel so stressed up about everything now ): 

Not going out , 
stressed out about my studies and stupid money issues . Worst , emotional issues .............
Let's just say I used to have this person to go to when I'm upset . Someone I feel super safe and comfortable with . But recently I realized he/she was hiding something from me . And when confronted , worst the person chose to LIE to me . I was so emotionally broken that I was on the verge of giving up and at a LOST of what to do .

I start to question myself , 
what had I done wrong ? I couldn't tell anyone fully about this matter because if I do , I would be destroying the person's reputation . How would he or she feel ? Though I am hurt , I still don't wanna hurt him/her AT ALL . I am still concerned about him/her . 

Do you know the feeling ? 
Where you trusted someone so much , that whoever talks shit about the person you retaliate for them immediately without having any form of doubts at all ? Even willing to fight for the person when everyone is against them ? Someone you NEVER thought would lie or even cheat on you

I was feeling horrible . 
It's hard for me to trust that person again . It's as if like ...
he/she took away my trust for him/her BY THEMSELVES . Took it , misused it and broke it . I would love to trust the person again , but to what extend could I now ? Clearly , it will not be like before . I did nothing to deserve this , why is he/she giving this to me ? Hurting me . Took my trust for him/her for granted . JUST LIKE THAT . 

You take me as a fool isn't it ? 
 I can't even feel angry , I yearn for things to be like before . I felt disappointed and so upset . I could only tell myself , let it be . Things can't be controlled by you alone . You did your best and tried your best to save a relationship , you gave in your ALL already . Right now , it's all up to the other party isn't it ? You can't beg someone to stay or make someone to stay when the person doesn't want to anymore . You can't ask someone not to hurt you when they did . You can't ask someone not to cheat on you when you didn't make yourself perfect enough for him/her . 

So I thought , 
since I already tried my best and gave in my all to someone , what else could I still do ?
Nothing . I could only continue loving someone and hoping things go right . Maybe I just wasn't good enough , but what can I do ? I made myself an easy target . But , I was hurt because I loved that person with all my heart . I gave my best , but have you ?

When you love someone , you wouldn't even allow them to have a chance to talk shit or complain abut you .