Saturday, 30 June 2012

Space 4 me and you .

I told myself he
will never do this to me . What was I thinking ? 
It's been almost half a month since I last saw him . It's as if I've forgotten how I used to look at him when he's not looking at me and smile to myself . It's as if I've forgotten how it feels like to watch him sleep every chance I got only to realize how blessed and happy I feel to have someone I love so dearly to love me back . It's as if I forgotten how it feels like to hug him whenever I have the chance to , it's as if I've forgotten how it feels like to look at him in the eye , it's as if I've forgotten how it feels like to shout an "Iloveyou" and feeling embarrassed with my cheeks red . It's as if I've forgotten how it feels like when he combs my hair for me after my shower . 

I constantly repeatedly asked myself . 


I faithfully love him with all my heart . 
Giving up almost anything for him was no problem at all . I would gladly do anything for him as long as it's within my ability . I would dedicate all my time for him whenever he needs me by his side . I would gladly stick to him through anything as long as I could have a man who loves me by me too . I don't need to lead a luxurious romantic love life with him , I could willingly just stick through him in the worst situations and sit down at home and watch WWE like we used to . 

What could be wrong that I did ? 

Everyday , it's as if I'm repeating the whole
process of LOSING HIM . Over and over again . It's so exhausting that I grew weaker each day looking so haggard . I had no motivation for even the most basic such as eating or even sleeping . Each time I manage to fall asleep , it's like falling back to a black hole again . He appears in my dreams without fail . And when I'm awake , I would start off my day by crying to myself again and ask , "WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG ?

Sometimes waking up in the middle
of the night with my heart beating extremely fast and feeling so horribly AFRAID . Afraid of what ? I do not know . Afraid to face the fear of losing him , knowing that I've lost him to others because I was never good enough to satisfy a guy . Fear of knowing what else could he had written in his Facebook , fear of seeing a text message from him asking me to fuck off from his life . I was then , living in fear everyday till now .

With people around me who cares , 
I've not told them anything about me and him . Only two days ago where I had to cry really badly to my brother ,  he had to hold my hands and pat me to sleep , but I couldn't sleep still . At all . I try acting as if I'm slowly falling asleep so that my brother wouldn't have to waste his time sitting by my bed side . But he seen it through me immediately . And that , made me cry even harder . It's so devastating , and I felt like a real loser that so many people wants me to bring myself up again , but I couldn't . Every minute where I tried very hard to get him off my mind , I failed and instead back fired . I felt even worst , and before I knew I was crying , my tears were rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably . 

I trusted this man
I had faith in him . I had faith in us . And in a split moment , I lost all of us . I lost the love . I lost everything , gone . YET , even till now , I want him back . No matter what he had done , or doing because he's a man whom I decided to get together with him MYSELF . Till now , I'm still thinking he isn't like this  , he really isn't bad at heart . SO why can't we go through things together and improve our lives for the better ? 

Indeed , I am now the 
number 1 joke of everyone else's eyes . But that's just because I will fight for my love . I'm pretty sure I'm feeling this ISN'T just because of the memories . It's him . Sometimes beautiful memories are the reasons why people are held back and refused to let go . But I'm very sure I'm after him and not just the memories . My feelings for him are so strong that how I felt when I talked to him from DAY 1 till we got together , till now , that very same feeling for him I have it . And grew more significant day by day . I couldn't afford to let go at all . 

People ask me , why are you 
so strict to him . But in demand of him , I'm in demand of myself too . I make sure I give him the best of what I could give . I'm in demand of him because I wanted the best out of him . Why ? Because I love him . I wish he knew how I felt , just being me for a day and see how my feelings lead me everyday . And how exhausting it is to be typing all this and doing everything with my mind feeling SO TIGHT . I wish he could see this , but he doesn't have the habit of reading my blog at all . Or maybe , he probably feels I'm a thorn in his flesh and no longer like before . I died a little more inside me everyday