Thursday, 19 June 2014

So broken inside

Hi .
How should I start this blog post ? There's really no way to start it I guess . It's late at night right now , or very very early in the morning I would say . Time check 4:37am , sitting in front of my laptop , letting out sighs and this heart aching feeling is killing me . I've so much thoughts within me & feeling so frustrated .. Frustration is an understatement to how I feel right now . There's no way I can explain this .

I can't explicitly explain what I'm going through ,
 but I'll just list down most of my thoughts down in point form ever since I met this guy .

- I feel absolutely worthless
- Am I being made used of ?
- It feels very one-sided
- Is there something wrong with me ?
- He makes me feel like no one would ever accept/like/love me the way I am
- I must be of very poor standard in his eyes compared to all the other girls he met
 - I am obviously not good enough for him
- Being almost at my best is still not good enough
-  Why can't anyone love me for the way they know me ?
- I feel so alone in times of need
- I'm feeling sad most of the time
- So tough
My thoughts & to miss him in his absence is torturous .
I feel so messed up everyday , nothing I do seems to be right or logical . There's no one else I would rather see , no one else I would rather hear from , no one else I would rather speak to . He's all I need . But I'm in no position to be asking for all that . He doesn't like me the way I do . And , it won't happen . I'm pretty sure . 

It doesn't matter if he loses me , 
because there's really nothing to lose . However for me , it'll be a total different thing . To lose someone whom you invest so much time , effort and FEELINGS into is crazy . But I would rather lose than to have someone who doesn't like me the way I do . I dread to think about it , 
but I can't help but to feel it's happening .. Of course , of course he knows how I feel for him , I don't hide but what difference did it make ? Nothing .
Sometimes I wonder , 
if I'm being selfish for staying by his side ? I feel stupid & like a fool .
What am I supposed to do ? It's been like that for awhile now and it's pretty obvious he doesn't really like me enough to even care .
It's so ironic .
 I've people around me who really likes me . But of course I do not waste their time , I would tell them how I feel straight away as wasting another person's time or leading them on is the worst thing to do because it's mentally torturous and mind fucking enough . They can be the first to text me whenever I seem to be upset , they notices all the little things about me , they are the kind who would be down under my house in 20 if I need someone and they are just the kind who would do anything for me just like how I would for him . 
Many told me hes not worth it .
I'm receiving pressure from family & friends nowadays . I don't even dare to share with them whenever I feel down about him because they'll get all mad for me like "why the fuck do you still care about his feelings ?! Go end things with him by (whenever) !" and a whole lot of other nasty comments which I will not share . But I've  to say that's all because they don't know him the way I do . They don't spend the amount of time I spend with him to know that there's a lot more to him than to what most people see on the surface .

Lol just a sudden thought ,
what if he's being pressured by people around him too that I'm not good enough and have a lot of bad points ? Maybe I'm just a horrible girl that no one around him approves of and all of my efforts are invisible ? Whatever I've done is not even worthy enough to prove how I am as a person ? Honestly , if I've to go and it make things better , as long as he tell me , I'll just say goodbye lol . It's that easy .

Ok so anyway despite all of that , you know what's in my mind ?
Things like , "No , you don't know him . I believe in him . I feel there's so much more I need to know about him before I give up . He is capable of being nice too . A feeling tells me he's worth the chase" 
BUT . 
Even if those thoughts were true , 
if he doesn't like me the way I do , is there still a point in believing ? Yea , that pretty much sums up part of the frustration in me .