Friday, 13 November 2015

Grey areas.

P/S: Pictures posted here are recent photos randomly chosen from my camera's album to make this post appear less mundane. They range from places I've been; food I'd eaten; pretty girlfriends keeping me company and random stuffs.

Haven't been blogging here
for a really, really long time. I've always wondered if anyone checked this space just to see if it's updated. I'm over at Alicia's now and we were just discussing about how I no longer blog as often as before anymore. Honestly, it saddens me so bad. Blogging brought me joy and had always been a huge part of my life during my teenage years. I used to blog so often, over at my old private blog and the current one here that's public. But I've been so bothered by some of the many occurring events in my life since the start of 2015 that it held me back from doing so. I actually had second thoughts about expressing myself here like before when there are constantly a never-ending trial of thoughts that I'd like to share with you guys. Yet due to personal reasons and respecting the privacy of the people around me, I felt I couldn't. 

Overtime I grew to feel suppressed.
 Trust me, I detest it. Because I believe this shouldn't be the way of life. To feel oppressed and having no control of your mind and speech. It is almost equivalent to being someone you're not. It is like hiding in a shell, thinking I'd be safe but even if so - I am not happy. I would much rather take risks, get out of this shell and flimsy film of veil that I've learned to take shelter under as time passed. Time sure flies and I know, it's time to get out of this facade and venture. Because at the very least when you fight to be who you really are, you gain chances of leading a happy life. If not, an unhappy one for sure. Looking back, the way I behaved only portrayed how much of a coward I've been. 

So here I am again.. Back to the same old space, seeking solace.
How have you been? How much have you changed since the last time you visited this page? Are you any happier? Are there any significant changes in your life? Have you progressed? Have the people around you stayed the same? Do you.. or can you, love yourself? As I pose these questions to you, I do to myself too. Many things are easier said than done. You know how in life, you gain some and you lose some. Life will not give you an endless streak of desirable results and it is really not impeccable. And even within flaws, there's goodness - it is not always perfection that brings the best out of people. 

God I just let out a sneeze.
You know what they say, when you sneeze, someone's bitching the fuck out of you hahahhahahahaha.

no matter how bleak things seems to be or how nothing seems to be headed the way we want them to, we should all at the very least learn to stay strong ourselves and not wallow in self-pity. In my opinion, the moment we decide to give up on ourselves and crumble, we deserve NO help nor sympathy. No ones gonna give a fuck about you BECAUSE we simply don't deserve it. Help will only be extended to people who prove themselves to be worthy, to people who still has the will to fight on and survive. Very often, we choose to become the victim of ourselves and later, self-destruct. 

Why do we do that? Are we really that weak? 
I would like to believe that power comes from within, and when it does, it multiplies. Things will only become better, the moment we start to take the first step, whether big or small, whether significant or not, doors will open up for you, and so will fresh perspectives. 

I remembered years ago, 
someone casually told me that, "the last thing one should ever do, is to lie to themselves." 
In other words - not to be deluded. I thought that it made a lot of sense and till this day, I still hold this piece of advice close to me. As an individual I know I am not strong-willed, I am not disciplined nor determined, I am a procrastinator and I do not produce the best results neither can I change my life and make things better overnight. But I try. I try. I am fuelled with the will to move forward, to keep going and to make the best out of all that I have. I don't know if it's enough for me or my loved ones, but if I do not first place faith in the future, who will? 

God I sure can be long-winded HAHAHAHA.
Balderdash or not, you decide. But I'm so glad, so so fucking glad to voice out my thoughts and blog again. I missed it terribly. Initially I thought I wouldn't have a thing to say, but the moment I start with the first thought that surfaced in my mind, I kept going. I'm gonna go do my emotional mushy shit right now (sure go ahead and make wild guesses because imaginations are interesting), and then sleep HAHAHHA. Alicia is sleeping like a pig already though. 

Till then, sweethearts. x