Wednesday, 16 July 2014

The worst nightmare

Yeah ... this morning I had 
the worst nightmare ever . I really wish I had the time to sit down and blog like this everyday .... I love blogging so much and I always have so much thoughts and things to share with you . But every single day when I get home , I'm always either too tired or too 'shag' to do anything . 

Yes I know , 
I haven't been truly happy for a long time . It kills me to feel unhappy almost everyday too . Yesterday , he told me I haven't been blogging frequently and I said it was because everything I wanna blog about nowadays are too personal . He replied , 

"Isn't that what a blog is about , to rant your emotions"

At that moment a sudden realization hit me .
What he said is true , I started to blog because I wanted a space to rant and to share my happiness with whoever's reading it . And I really really like it a lot ... but sometimes it also gives me unwanted attention if I talk about things that are too sensitive . Then I remembered how my friend Jason , from Wah!Banana said , 

"People who dislike you would purposely 
say mean things to hurt you . If you can't take it , you can't go on"

How true is that ? 
I'll always remember what he said to me . Thank you Jason . I don't want to stop blogging about my thoughts no matter how boring/redundant/insignificant they are to people .. I don't want to lose the essence of why I started to blog . Ok and something random , I actually have a few private blogs which used to be public last time HAHAHA . I private it because it's sooooooooooooo funny , it was way way back to the time where 'iie washx still sp3akinq liik3 tiix' (I was still speaking like this) . 

However , those blogs reminds me 
of how nice it is to constantly update about your life and knowing that 
one day , you'll be able to look back at it and smile . Know how you've changed , the people you met , the people who left and stayed . Soooooo much memories . How you've matured as time passes , how you got over heartbreaks and how your thoughts are now different compared to the past . 

Okay and back to what I was
talking about , I had a nightmare this morning . I'm a very very active dreamer , I have dreams very frequently like a few times a week . However , 90% of them are nightmares . Bad dreams , aargh . So I dreamt that I was with my late mom and I did something that pissed her off real badly . I followed her everywhere , apologizing non-stop and there was many people around her along the way as well , persuading her to forgive me for whatever mistakes I had done because I'm her daughter after all . Most of them are familiar faces in RL like my father , my relatives etc .

In the dream , 
I followed her everywhere but she just won't look at me at all . I had to keep chasing her , but she just kept turning her back on me and I got so fucking heartbroken/desperate in the dream that I burst out crying real badly ... I even knelt down wtf ): I was crying soooo loudly , almost screaming , I said "Mommy , please , please , can you not ignore me ? Can you please look at me , mummy please ?" 

So at this point , I was semi-awake
from the nightmare but I could actually hear myself whimpering and mumbling in real life too . That's when I found out , I've been crying in real life while I was asleep and crying in the dream ! (It is actually very common for me to cry in my sleep when I was younger , but not as often nowadays .) 

Right now , I can still remember exactly
how it felt ... I was sooooooo afraid , shocked , panicking as I feel my heart thumping realllllll fast with no one else at home . I was feeling so giddy , still whimpering , curled up under my blanket and felt the lost of my mom all over again , like the day she passed away ... That pain , is indescribable .

 I continued to cry even though
 I knew I was awake from the nightmare already . I'm really not sure why but the crying wouldn't stop . As if it's a continuation of me crying in the nightmare as it felt so real . I was so lost and in pain ... I wanted so bad to have someone by me , anyone at all , someone to know I'm in need of a hug and tell me it's okay and that I will be safe with them . But no , no one was home . 

It wasn't the normal 
tears rolling down your cheeks and quiet kind of cry . The crying was actually worst compared to how I cried on the last day of my mom's funeral back in 2010 . I was so devastated , limbs gone cold and numb with me saying , "Mummy why , come back , no , just come back , do you know how much I miss you" almost breathlessly ...

Ahhhhh I feel tears rolling down my cheeks now lol . 

Anyway so by the time 
I calmed myself down , I realized I had to prepare and head down to MousetrapTV's office to film MWCP . I was really not emotionally okay to film anything at all but I know it's no excuse for me to tell the producers that I couldn't make it that last minute just because of a nightmare . I mean , how can I expect ANYONE to understand how I feel ? So eventually I got myself together and successfully finished filming an episode of MWCP . 

By the end of the day , 
Cheryl (one of the producers) knew about what happened to me earlier on that afternoon and she said , "You know dreams are reflections of what you usually think about . And you always talk about how guilty you are for not cherishing your mom when she was alive etc , you really shouldn't think about it too much anymore . Are you always upset ? If you're happy , your mom would be too ." 

Thank you Cheryl

I believe that IT IS a reflection
of my subconscious thoughts , but it's really hard for me not to think about my mom . It's really hard not to feel guilty over the fact that I didn't cherish her while she was still alive . Knowing that there's NO WAY I can make it up to her is in fact , the hardest . Sometimes I wonder if I'm crying for my mom , or crying for the fact that I lost her .. 

 My mom (above picture) ,
is a gorgeous lady . It's really sad that I don't have much pictures of her during the last few years of her life ... she didn't like taking pictures because she thinks she look ugly as chemotherapy caused her to lose most of her hair and was extremely skinny and underweight ... She could barely walk .... or sleep ... She battled cancer for 6 years .

My father always tell me how
she will wake up in the middle of the night or unable to sleep because of the pain she feels due to chemo and the thought of it kills me .. Where was I when she needed family support the most ? What was I doing that took so long to realize the importance of my mom and losing her , was too big of a sacrifice and lesson . 

So nowadays , I could only 
reminisce about how she would send me to school when I was younger , how she would always give in to me no matter what I want or say and how she tries to hide her smile when I tell her I love her . Even though I don't have photos of her during the last few years of her life to aid me into remembering how she looks like , her face , her features and everything about her are already etched in my mind .

Every now and then I get emotional
on my twitter , tweeting about how I miss my late mom and all ... I know how I'm responsible for everything I post online and how I should be ready and expect negative remarks or anything of that sort . I embrace both the good and bad , especially the good ones from some of you guys , I swear I appreciate it so much . But there was this one time , I received this on my ask.fm and it's TOO MUCH: 

It breaks my heart . 

Just how , how in the world can anyone
say that ? How did he/she had the cheek to even type and think of it ? To gloat at someone losing their loved ones is fucking low-down I SWEAR . I'm not gonna keep my cool and say things like , "Oh I shall forgive this person as he/she is also a human being bla bla bla" 


Now to whoever you are , FUCK YOU .
I hope you're alive and kicking to be tortured , mocked , betrayed and hated on BY EVERYONE AROUND YOU .  I hope you'll be lonely forever and even if you do marry , I hope your husband/wife will cheat on you and only found out about it when you're burdened with kids who eventually dumps you for their partners lol . 

K . I don't actually mean it , 
but seriously lol . Fucking low-down la this person _|_ 
I mean it's such a childish act ... if you dislike me you can just insult me for having a flat nose , no figure , short , uneven eyes and soooooo many other things but why my mom , why ???? Can't think of a good word to describe such a pathetic creature , I shall call you , IT . Lol . Or any other words that you can find HERE . (Yes I googled them , feel free to read it if you're looking for words to describe a horrible person or IT (; ) HAHAHA .

I do not expect people to
think it's right or agree to what I've said above , but do not tell me I shouldn't have said that . We are all different and in my opinion , whatever I've said to describe that creature is because I think it deserves it . Thank you for respecting me and I'll try my best to respect yours .

Ok I guess that's pretty
much all I really wanna blog about ... I actually have a test tomorrow and it's so crazy late already !!!!! Shall go sleep soon :D Even though my day was pretty horrible at the start , I feel so much better now because I had so much fun with my girls today (Lindsay , Alicia , Ellena and Cherie) ! Love them ♥ :D 

Let me end this blog post with
selfies I took 2 days back ok . Zi lian a bit HAHHAHA GOODNIGHT/GOODMORNING !

Oh , and thank you for dropping by my space :D
Have a great day !