Thursday, 13 October 2011

Rantings .

This moment , I just feel so upset . 
There's no one I can rant to , no where to say , no idea what to do .
This feeling just drove me to ranting everything right here , in my blog . Where people care will read , to the others who don't care , they wouldn't bother . 

Maybe because I've got no idea how to handle 
all the shit that I'm going through . Probably everyone goes through the same thing . Or maybe I'm just too weak to handle anything . I hope I'm not annoying my readers ? Family , "friends" . Every little one could just .... affect me so badly . But the truth is , I would never let them know I'm upset over them . I'm not gonna cry in front of them . I don't wanna be brought down . And then , I'm known as HEARTLESS , someone who is OBLIVIOUS . Someone with NO FEELINGS . But that's not me .
I care , I really do . Would someone understand ? o; 

This is my Family
I feel that my brother dislike talking to me . 
And my first sister looks down on me , thinking that I DON'T CARE . Thinking that I won't be upset . Thinking that all that she's doing is "good" for me . My second sister probably feels neutral , but she doesn't love me . Maybe she loves me , but not enough for her to look into what I'm going through at all . My dad only listens to my first sister , he never did understood how I felt , never did knew what I was doing , never wanted to face my mother's death . & never talked to me without quarreling . He gave up on me . I'm all alone at home . ALL ALONE . I couldn't breathe sometimes . I detest staying here . But yet , I LOVE my home . Why ? Dad doesn't stay at home . First sister doesn't stay at home either . Brother doesn't talk to me . Second sister prolly hardly talks to me . And now that second sister and brother is away from SG , I'm all alone . It felt so bad to wake up everyday in this "home" knowing that no one is gonna be there for you . No one cares , it felt so horrible . Each time I knew it's time to return home , I felt so upset that I just wanna cry . And because I don't even have a place for me to cry , I became so defensive , so mean & people don't understand me anymore . 

My first sister detest every single one
of my friends . She thinks that none of them is " passable " . She threatened me saying , if I don't get my friends out of the house , she will tell my dad . But if my friends don't come over , I would either be staying at home ALONE or out all day long . I chose to stay at home , and indeed , she told my dad . My dad , without listening to my explanation at all , he said texted me saying " How many times have I told you not to bring them home ? I'm gonna cancel your phone line , your computer , everything . And I'm gonna report to the police . " At this moment , I didn't even bother explaining to my dad ANYMORE . Because I know , he would only listen to my first sister (: 

The truth is , 
I didn't even ask any of my friends to come over . 
They came themselves and said , " we're at your house downstairs already . " 
So as a friend , could I leave them downstairs ? No , I couldn't . So I had to let them in . And my first sister who doesn't know anything , said , I BROUGHT them home . And make me sound like a complete slut . & this wasn't the first time . She asked me not to break the trust , but should I say , you never ever placed trust in me either , so does trust even existed between us all along ? Does locking the room door shows that they have trust in me ? Cool . Staying at this plastic home just feel so scary . So lonely . It's like when you are changing , nobody sees it . Nobody believes you . And It felt as if it's almost impossible to change their mindset about me , even if they're my family . Slowly , no one was there for me to rant to , and nobody understood me anymore . 

Friends . 
Almost none of my friends could be relied on . 
Why ? 
When they needed money , they just call me , and ask for it . Without saying a Thank You or a Can I ? Or even offer saying , I Will Return . For because they were my "friends" , I still gave them the money they needed . Michelle said she DIDN'T like Yiqing . But yet , she said " I love Yiqing baby " . Contradicting much ? Yiqing said story A in front of me and someone else , BUT said story B behind my back , and the screen shots were ALL sent to me . What kind of "friends" are they ? And friends that said they will meet me when they've got time , but in the end , they were found meeting others , but not me . What do they take me for ? When they needed me , they call me . When they don't , they leave and have fun ON THEIR OWN . Why do I always include them in my plans ? Dumb enough . Yiqing didn't like so many people , she told me all . But yet , she still talk to them and keep being so contradicting . How can I place my full trust on her ? It's impossible . I don't need friends that consider me as an option , or for money anymore . Because when I needed them so badly , they weren't even there . All they wanted was , fun fun and more fun . All they wanted was , gossip . All they wanted was , company . There's still so much to say , but there isn't a point talking about it anymore if they don't understand right ? And when I showed them that I was unhappy , they don't get a clue at all . All they felt was , I'm a cold blooded person who doesn't care . If I really didn't want to care , I would have fuck-care them long time ago (;

I will only appreciate people , who will appreciate me . 
 Shane chia , who stays by me & listen to my ranting . 
My dad , my brother , my sisters may not like him . But , everyone changes . Everyone deserves a chance . I believe , he's worth my time (: 

Peixin , the idiot that always help me in times of need .
My people may not like her too , my sister may think that she's just another useless friend I have out there . As long as I know she isn't , she's worth my time too . 

& all the other friends who are worth my time . I love all of you guys (;