Monday, 12 May 2014

Mother's Day

Lol I don't know . 
I'm feeling soooooooooo frustrated inside me right now I just needed to rant or let it out somewhere . In the midst of thinking how I can vent all my frustrations , I thought of how I used to blog about every single thing on my mind . No pictures , just words . 

Yea Mother's Day is finally over . 
I'm happy for everyone ... How they can still be happy with their moms , celebrating & all . Most of which flaunt their expensive gifts , how they treat their mom , what their mom did for them , all the fanciful stuffs they did especially for their mom on Mother's Day . It's all good , I do feel happy for them . But at the same time , it is an AWFUL reminder for me . 

And guess what ?


Should I say I'm feeling very envious or ? 
I don't know , just a bunch of mixed feelings I guess ? It's been quite some time now , 4 years , 2 months & 3 days . She's gone for this amount of time but every now & then when I think of how I've lost her , it's still as painful as how it felt like back then . The pain DID NOT lessen a single bit . I guess the pain just stays & I'm not used to it . I just don't talk about it , neither do I show it most of the time .. Till today . 

I was scrolling through
my Twitter feed as usual & came across tweets like . "Open Intagram and all you see is your friends mom" something like that . Didn't think much about it till I really open up my Insta and 90% of the pictures are dedicated to their moms . There's nothing wrong with it , because if it's Father's Day I would've done the same thing . 

What I'm trying to say is , 
as much as how much I've been trying to avoid the existing pain of missing my mom , today just happens to be the bad day where I can't hold it all in . It's just such a painful reminder I swear . Sometimes I get shocked by how it still feels sooooo bad . I would feel so chocked if I tried to speak , tears just well up my eyes but people around me don't notice at all . Not even my siblings . 

Every single time I think of my 
beloved mom , I would be reminded of her death & the process of losing her IS hell . It's as if you're losing her all over again when you think of it ... It doesn't feel good , stays on my mind for a pretty long time over & over again till .... I don't know . Sometimes when I miss her , I just don't have anyone to go to or a shoulder to lean on . I won't go to my family , because it isn't any less painful for them .

Because if I can , 
right now , I would still wanna be one of you guys , flaunting the gifts I gave her ,  the fun day I had with her etc & be a proud daughter of a really brave woman . I just miss her . But little did I know missing someone could be this painful .

I always tell myself that one
should stand the fuck up & move on once they're done wallowing in self pity . But one thing that I'll never be able to understand is how human emotions can be so crazy , they are too hard to handle at times . Even to the extend where thoughts no longer makes sense . 

Gosh I feel better now .
Falling asleep should be easier later . But I still have so much things to worry about , just fml .