Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Late night thoughts

I was actually already
tucked in bed, ready to sleep and hoping to sleep off my thoughts. But thoughts just keep flooding my mind and I feel like I have to write it down somewhere. I feel so exhausted, so ready to just sleep and not think about it. Or just let it be.

So I took my phone,
thinking that okay I'm just gonna type a few sentences via the blogger app and post it up here, done. 
But guess what? I'm now up and am in the living room with my laptop in front of me, doing this. I can't just sleep my thoughts away. I asked myself, why do I still continue blogging? 

Why do I still do it? 
And you know why I love it so much? Because I get to talk about ANYTHING I want and all my thoughts. Basically just letting my emotions flow here and it used to be such a precious privilege for me. It means so much to me, to have your own space online and just... spill. But for some reason, it feels a bit different now. And it saddens me so much.

Right now it feels as if
I have to be careful of what I blog here. So I asked myself, is it because I'm afraid of people judging? To a certain extend, yes. As we grow older, we tend to think more about consequences and basically what comes after when you just spill your emotions online. 

But that's not it.
I feel like I'm also a little afraid of people thinking that I'm doing it because everyone else is doing it. So that they can be famous and in hope that they can earn some money through blogging lol. Ok, actually this point doesn't really bother me so let's move on.

Anyway, I just don't
think I start to reveal less all because I fear pressure online. Because back then when Cbox and all that stuffs were popular, I was one of those people who had it in their own blogs and I wasn't afraid of people slamming me at all. I know it because I was slammed countless times by anonymous and also my ex classmates in the past when I was younger. So I know this 'online pressure' thing shouldn't bother me much. 

As stupid as it may seem,
yea, I still don't know why I choose to talk less about myself on this blog nowadays. Or maybe I'm just leading a very mundane life so there's really nothing much to talk about. Back then, I blogged about everything! (Most of it in my old blog) My thoughts, conversations with people and basically my life are all sort of 'documented' in my mini cyber space. 

I just really love and miss how genuine it used to be. 
And it makes me feel sad, really sad that it feels a bit different now. Or is it just all about perspective? Haha! That's what one of my friends always say, "It's all about perspective, isn't it?" 

Crossing my fingers and hoping that I can fall asleep later. (: