Monday, 4 May 2015


I cannot come up with a title
for this blog post at all. I'm feeling so mentally-drained right now and no words could come close to describe how I feel. Lol, maybe my vocabulary is just not very expansive. Anyhow, I really want to pen down my thoughts and emotions in this space but I'm feeling scared. I know why I hesitated to do so, but I asked myself why should I? Where's my courage? Why can't I just be brave? I know that by writing this here, it is putting myself out there for anyone who comes across this to judge me. THAT, I'm not afraid. I'm only afraid of one thing. But I know I cannot allow this one fear to stop what I want to do.

Sorry to disappoint if
the above sounded like you're about to know something really juicy because it isn't. I just woke up from an extremely horrible and unsettling nightmare. Yes, unsettling. I woke up and relayed the whole incident via message to my friend, so I'm sorry if you're reading this story twice, Alicia. Here goes. 

The dream I had largely
involved a friend that I know of in reality, let's call him Richard from now. So I dreamt of Richard, we had sex and we were having so much fun and I felt so close to him. Like we could do anything together are that goes without saying, I had absolutely zero doubts of him judging me. It's just impossible. I also thought to myself that it is IMPOSSIBLE that Richard would intentionally cause harm to me in any way.

So we got hungry at my place
and Richard brought me to this food place nearby to have dinner and surprisingly, we have company and I wasn't informed before hand. So Richard introduced me to this guy 'friend' of his that I've never met or heard before and said he's joining us for dinner as well. Let's call this friend, little fucker (LF). For some reason, it felt as if Richard brought me there specially just to meet little fucker. But of course, I didn't think much about it, why should I? 

We had so much fun & laughter
during dinner and I started to help Richard remove his blackheads on his nose lol wtf don't ask me why. I have no idea how this dream thing works. So anyway, I continued doing so while little fucker started to video-tape us. I'm not sure if it was because I was moving a lot as I laugh, but my thighs accidentally touched little fucker and little fucker actually asked, "omg what is it?" and started caressing my thighs?!

I assumed that it was
because he really didn't see my thigh so I just shunned away but LF continued to touch my thighs and slid his fingers into my pants and forcefully tried to finger me. Surely Richard noticed? To my surprise, yes surprise first, Richard didn't do a single thing... At least a movement? Still in shock and trying to look at Richard to seek for help via eye contact, Richard actually carried me and brought me to this overhead bridge that had many seats across. (Such overhead bridges does not exist in Singapore.) 

Richard tossed me on one
of the seats and asked me to strip in front of LF. I was in shock, my heart sank when it became very clear that it was all planned. It became clear that Richard is allowing LF to fuck me in his presence. I felt humiliated. But believe me, the dream was extremely real and humiliation also stood 5% of what I felt. The remaining 95%? It was me feeling so heartbroken and disappointed with Richard.

I instantly became very
strengthless, I felt asa if I lost all strength but I was filled with so much disappointment that I forced myself to get up and run. I still remembered the look I shot at Richard before I started forcing my legs to only move forward. Tears welled my eyes and I shook my head slightly but forcefully before him as I ran and bit my lips so I wouldn't allow myself to give in and burst out wailing. Run Chrysan, run.  You're not allowed to cry, don't. You feel strengthless, you feel broken, but you fucking run even as they chase.

I ran down the overhead bridge
stairs and fell a few times, but I just kept running. Until, I saw a group of blurry figures walking towards me but as I ran closer, I realised it was my brother and his friends. They were heading back home. I scrambled towards them and shouted, "Please, please save me, please. Leonard please, save me. Save me. Kor, save me." (Leonard is one my bro's friend in RL.) 

However, Richard and LF were still behind me,
and since my bro recognised Richard, Richard could only pretend and said we were playing some form of catching. I didn't even whisper a word, I was almost expressionless. But what hurt me even further was that Richard actually murmured something under his breath to LF before they both walk away. He said, "Fucking bitch."

It was so painful.

I walked home with my brother
and his group of friends and acted as if nothing happened. That night, I even had dinner with my family members when I got home. No one felt anything amiss with the way I behaved. I started to wonder if I've always been like that? This quiet? That even my father, who's best at asking me what's wrong was actually fucking joking about Richard? I brushed off any questions directed to me about Richard that night, but one person noticed I was acting weird. It was my second sister. 

My second sister
paid extra attention to me during dinner and constantly added food into my bowl. She even kissed me on my temple but she didn't say a single thing. She was very careful at not directing any unnecessary attention to me in front of my family members. She knew I wouldn't like the attention if there was any. In fact, her actions alone always shows a lot. For that moment I felt slightly comforted and extremely blessed to have my sister around. Of course I'm lucky.... but do you have any idea how broken I felt? So broken as if I'm no longer capable of feeling much emotions at all. 

I felt 'dead'. I wanted to wail & cry.
But I simply couldn't. I was no longer capable of mourning for this 'unsalvageable-friendship' that was probably one-sided all along but I had no clue. After dinner, I went on to do my own stuffs and attempted to have bananas with whipped cream. For some reason, I made a mess in the living room with whipped cream everywhere, bickered with my father about it when I couldn't provide a reason for that mess.

I was too drained to explain.
So I just let it slide and allowed him to lecture me and that dampened my mood even further. I cannot believe that at that point of time, the first thing I wanted to do was to actually text Richard to tell him that I quarrelled with my father. Then I realised, I could no longer do so. Richard fucked with my emotions, my trust towards him and so much more. Our friendship is long gone and I really felt so devastated. I kept shutting my eyes real tight and shaking my head, hoping that I would cry just so I could release some of that emotions by crying. 

Still, not a single tear.
My heart felt so heavy, as if there's so much emotions bottled in there and it's aching so bad. I scratched my chest so hard till there were red nail marks all across my skin, hoping that in that stupid way, I could actually 'tear' my heart out and remove all that pain I was feeling. I felt so worthless and naive.

At this point, I received a text
message from Richard saying something like, "hey". It was a really casual text from him, like nothing happened. I wasn't shocked or anything when I saw it. I just looked at it expressionlessly, closed the text and went back into my room like I had no emotions. The dream felt so fucking real, I actually didn't even suspect that it was a dream while I was asleep. 

I jolted right awake from this nightmare
and gasped for air. I felt shaken but mostly relieved when I realised it was all just a dream. My limbs weren't cold but they were really really numb as if I was gonna lose the sense of touch. I didn't cry until I start to feel it all over again, the emotions in the dream I experienced and how real everything felt. I cherish Richard a lot.

I started to weep, 
hugged my bolster and cried harder and harder. I mumbled to myself softly, "Oh god, why. Why." Because I realised, I'm getting myself into deep shit for having a liking for Richard in real life. It felt as if I know this is how it would feel if I my trust and all were to be destroyed by him now. The scary part? It's only the beginning, yet it probably doesn't mean a thing as well.

I never thought I could be so fragile. 

Some people say,
dreams are opposing the reality and it'll never happen. For me, I strongly believe that dreams are what we think of or subconsciously think about in reality. Or it could even be things we don't remember coming across or things we imagined. So I start to wonder if it was actually possible that I jumbled different events in real life together and hence the dream? 

Because I did once made a mess
in the living room with whipped cream, I once had thoughts about Richard betraying (which I told him before), I did place myself in a similar scenario just to imagine how the human mind would most likely react to situations and also last night, I came across a video that talks about guys exchanging their wives for sex. 

So... Could it be my mind that's fucking with me?
Dreams are capable of displaying your true emotions and genuine reactions to different situations. The dreams might not be real, but you can't say your emotions/reactions aren't. I'm really pent-up.