Time really flies isn't it ?
It's been a long time since I really blogged , like blog about how I feel just like how I used to back then in 2011 . That was what blogging was for (myself) back then , just recording my daily life , telling you guys how I feel in the most blunt manner because I really didn't gave a fuck about how people think of me . How I used to make videos & not have a second thought . But time & environment really changes people , in a short time , I find myself being such a different person now . But why ?
Sometimes I find myself
becoming a person that I don't want to be , becoming a person that I used to hate . But it is truly environment and conditions around you that leaves you with one option and that is to be somebody that you don't wish to be . And then today when I reflect upon myself , I find myself in disgust & FEAR . Why fear ? I'm afraid . I'm afraid of becoming a person I do not respect , I don't wanna lose the beliefs I used to stand so strongly for in life . Do you know how that feels ?
I fear that one day ,
I forget how I used to be & lose all the values that makes people around me stay . I used to think I have unbeatable faith for all the people I meet in my life . That no matter how many were to leave , I'll never ever change myself ... But unknowingly I realized I slowly lost faith & trust for every single person I were to meet . I start to doubt people because of the mistakes that others committed . And then , I start to change myself into someone who's always suspicious & wary of people around me . It's just too tiring & it affects my relationship with people . You feel me ?
I start to talk less ,
communication with people are cut down to the minimum , and as you know the tendency of people leaving our lives are higher than staying . So my social circle always only gets smaller instead of expanding . I start to wonder if I even remember how to make friends , how to look at people in the eye . I truly miss how I used to be (character wise) , I miss interacting with people . But I'm just so lost . I start to give a fuck about how people look at me , because I feel no matter what we do , people are still gonna judge you . People are just gonna find that one thing just to pull you down & make you feel less of yourself . I start to keep quiet , so people wouldn't be able to say I'm desperate for friends . But I feel it back fired , people start to think I'm unfriendly , anti social & egoistic . When in fact , my ego was never there .
I start to lose
the confidence I used to have . I became nervous when I step out of my house , I dare not look at people around in fear that they would judge me . I start to wonder if I'm ever fit to be anyone's friend . If I would ever embarrass anyone as they're associated with me . I see all the good in people , how gorgeous they are & me ? Just a piece of ugly potato LOL . Then I realize how something small that happened could change so much of a person . It isn't what has happened that change people , it's how much an issue means to them that counts . People will NEVER understand because we're all different . If something can emotionally attack me , it doesn't mean it would affect you a single bit . We shouldn't ask for people to understand , but they should never judge just because we all feel & think differently .
As a person ,
I feel that I've became so much more inferior & this is not something that I would want to continue . It doesn't do me good at all , I want to find myself back , I don't wanna live everyday like I'm the worst person on Earth . I wanna be the one where people tells me they like me because I was being myself . If you're like me , give yourself a chance , don't be sad anymore , love yourself because here , I'm fighting to be a better person again , WITH YOU .
Moving on to
my love life , I don't know how much you know about me when you read this post , but if you have read the posts I did on relationships , you would've known I had very very bad relationships in the past . To give you a round up of my past relationships , basically they always cheat on me with different girls , multiple times even after forgiving them , AND THEN THEY DUMP ME . Most people would think I would dump them after they cheat on me once , but no I did not . Many people thought I would've lost faith in future relationships , but no I didn't . I still give myself courage for future relationships & I did , but they always end up doing me wrong I don't know why .
I just feel that
we should never ever lose faith in relationships even if people in the past cheated on us etc . Never ever close yourself up just because of one person . So many people cheated on me , have I lost faith ? No . Because I believe that maybe I'm just not the one for those I've met . It's not all their fault , we cannot always blame others just because we feel hurt . That's something different about me because in the past , I used to think it's all their fault & I'm the victim . No doubt , cheating is always wrong , but what I never realize is , who knows it was me who caused them to do so ?
I had very bad
relationships all the way till I met my most recent ex in 2012 , he brought me to a whole new level , showed me how somebody could really love me the way I am . I'm a real asshole because he loved me , he loved me so much and given my past relationships , I should have (by right) know how to cherish him more right ? But guess what , I didn't . That's when I realize that people will always take others for granted when they feel they can , you wouldn't realize it till you lose them , till you reflect upon your own actions but most of the time , it's a little late . I've always been very honest with my actions , you ask , I answer .
Therefore people thinks
I've cheated on my latest ex . Yes I did , I did not cheat on him physically with someone else , neither did I go crazy flirting with another . But I felt I cheated on him because I was gradually giving my attention to someone else . I gave myself the excuse that we are unstable , I've all the right to seek attention from someone else , but seriously , we can't think this way if we love a person . I took him for granted & as time passes , he fell for another girl ... somebody that I've actually seen before . I was devastated . I did EVERYTHING I could to salvage the relationship . Because you only realize how much a person means to you only till you lost them . Honestly , I don't blame anyone , I blame myself . I unknowingly caused my own destruction & drama .
People ask , why did
you try so hard to get him back when you know it's already impossible ?
Because I always tell myself this , I would rather look back knowing I did all I could than to look back regretting because I didn't give my all . Living with guilt everyday isn't easy , just like how I live with guilt everyday for not cherishing my mom . Therefore ever since then , I make sure I give my all to the people in my life , it doesn't hurt to give more right ? It makes me happy , to know I'm giving my best to people .
As much as how
much a good boyfriend he had been , I'm not wanting him back now . Because once I'm done trying , knowing I did everything , I'm satisfied . That's it , I moved on pretty well , met new people , but still single haha . People always wonder why I can stay so optimistic about relationships when all I get is crap (most of the time) . It's not that it has been easy for me , it's not that I'm a bo chup person , it's because I know my life needs to move the fuck on .
We should all move forward when we're done wallowing in self pity .
Every single one of us have our own way of 'healing' . Once you're done with torturing/having fun/crying (whatever your healing method is) , move on . In every failed relationship we experience , we will definitely always learn something . And for me ? I bring what I learned with me , not inflicting my pain & hatred on the next . Because it's just unfair for the next person to suffer the mistakes the previous made .
As of now ,
I enjoy being single . It's like taking a long break to allow myself to have a clearer picture of what I truly want . To sort out my own feelings of past relationships , make sure it no longer affects me & not thinking about anyone else , then will I allow myself to step into a new one . After all , I am still young , I've so much more to discover . Nobody wants to waste time in a relationship that you know for sure would not last . Even though I'm sure in time to come , I would need someone there for me emotionally & physically , I would not hastily get into a relationship again just because I miss having someone around .
And if you ask me , would
I ever be with someone who once cheated on their girlfriends ? Yes , I would . Because I myself made mistakes too , it's not just us . Till today , adults still make that mistake . You know what's on my mind when I cheated emotionally ? I want somebody to believe that I wouldn't make that same mistake again and because I've made that mistake , I actually learned to cherish more . People always say , if someone cheated , they would do it again . This - I do not believe . Who knows maybe those who have yet to cheat are more prone to cheating ?
Next up , Family .
On 9th March 2014 , it would officially be the fourth year where my mom passed . Just few days back , I went crazy ranting on twitter in the middle of the night on how much I miss my mom after being jolted wide awake from a nightmare where I witness her death all over again . I mean , so many years have passed , shouldn't it be easier for me ? Why does it seem that lately , it's only getting tougher to handle my emotions on losing her . Why is it that lately , I've been missing & thinking about her so much more often & taking it harder on myself ? I don't understand . It's just too painful , I wonder if she know I love her .
Quoting from my Facebook
post along with this picture I said , "I really hate this . But there's not a day
where I don't think about my mom . There's not a day where I didn't live
with guilt for not cherishing & being nice to her . I know I would
never hear her nagging again . In fact , I never heard it
for even during the last few years of her life . The quietness at home
only represented how she's suffering alive . I remembered the last thing
I said to her in the hospital was "mommy ? I love you" , I don't even
know if she heard it . But seriously even if time could rewind , even if
I were to love her with everything I have , I would still feel it isn't
enough . When you lose someone you love , nothing you do will ever be
enough in your eyes .. The ironic thing is , some idiots (like me) just
have to learn it through the hard way . There's always someone going through something a lot worser
than us ."
I
just wish she knew
I now understand her pain & sufferings , I now
understand she's more important than anyone else not because she's dead
but because I love her . I now understand she have been keeping all the
sufferings to herself as much as possible . But all these came a little
too late . It's a huge price to pay , but I know I'm not experiencing
the worst , so I ought to be strong & I will be .
Also ,
my dad & his girlfriend had moved in with me . Which means , I'm no longer alone in an empty house with my dog , ahboy !
Before they moved in ,
it was very lonely & scary for me to be sort of living alone at home . My eldest sister have been living outside for 7 years now & my second sister moved out as well . Leaving me and my bro (which have already been in NS since last year August) . What's more I hardly go out , so most of the time I would be alone at home which is mad crazy . First thing people will always say , "wah so shiok you've the whole house to yourself blablabla" , YEA I MEAN , that's how I felt at first too ?! But after some time , I realized it's damn bad , I would feel so empty inside me every now & then staying in a home with nobody as if it's a freaking hotel .
But now , at least
somebody's keeping the house clean for free & I'm getting proper home cooked food . Because before that , I had to hire part time maids to clean up my house & delivery was how I settle my meals every single day . But now , my dad's girlfriend is doing the job so it isn't affecting me much . Speaking of my dad having a girlfriend , it's been quite some time now & I really hate how people think that having move on with a new partner means you don't love the previous . That's fucking untrue and ridiculous . Because till today , my dad still misses my mom every single day & I TRUST HIM . My dad's phone lock & home screen has always been my mom's picture & he posts pictures of her on his Facebook all the time , telling me how much he misses my mom ....
There was once ,
my dad's girlfriend told me he had cried himself to sleep because he misses my mom so much . I always share what my dad says about my mom on my social media platforms because I respect my dad so fucking much . And somebody shared my post that says , "love goes a long way even when they're not there for you anymore" - I agree with this so much .
And to many of you
who are always asking me what happened to my mom etc , to give you a super super round up (I'd skip the details) , she died in the hospital because she fell ill and it's sort of because of cancer as it started from there & suffered for about 6 years . She's a really strong & kind woman . I've never seen anyone like her , someone who stands firmly on what she believes in .
Lastly , work .
I've been meeting up with people from ForJakeSake since Blog Shop Festival 2012 to firm things up and yayyyyyyyyyy I'm officially a blogger under Mousetrap which will launch soon ! Recently , I went on a work trip to KL with the Mousetrap crews , Joleen (my manager who manages me) & some other bloggers ! It was so enjoyable , I'm already missing it !
Even though it
was pretty tiring over at KL , but it was worthwhile . Would blog about this trip separately on another post real soon :D I just hope things would progress smoothly and that the company & I can be of help to each other mutually as I really love them . And the best part is seeing money after hard work LOL . It's motivation right ?! I wanna work towards my goal , I don't wanna give up . Whoever you are reading this , don't give up either (:
However
the negative side of me is disturbing . I just keep wondering why they signed a contract with me when they could've picked other better bloggers as well . But I'm not gonna let this affect me anymore . Seems like I've many things to improve on for all the things I've listed out on this ultra wordy blog post HAHHA . Action speaks louder than words , I'll do it !
I guess that's how my life
have really been in the year 2013 to this date , thank you for taking time off & reading this . It's been a long time since I really wrote something like this on my blog , truly grateful . Thank you for being here through this journey and be happy ♥