Hello 2014

Time really flies isn't it ? 

It's been a long time since I really blogged , like blog about how I feel just like how I used to back then in 2011 . That was what blogging was for (myself) back then , just recording my daily life , telling you guys how I feel in the most blunt manner because I really didn't gave a fuck about how people think of me . How I used to make videos & not have a second thought . But time & environment really changes people , in a short time , I find myself being such a different person now . But why ? 

Sometimes I find myself

becoming a person that I don't want to be , becoming a person that I used to hate . But it is truly environment and conditions around you that leaves you with one option and that is to be somebody that you don't wish to be . And then today when I reflect upon myself , I find myself in disgust & FEAR . Why fear ? I'm afraid . I'm afraid of becoming a person I do not respect , I don't wanna lose the beliefs I used to stand so strongly for in life . Do you know how that feels ? 

I fear that one day ,

I forget how I used to be & lose all the values that makes people around me stay . I used to think I have unbeatable faith for all the people I meet in my life . That no matter how many were to leave , I'll never ever change myself ... But unknowingly I realized I slowly lost faith & trust for every single person I were to meet . I start to doubt people because of the mistakes that others committed . And then , I start to change myself into someone who's always suspicious & wary of people around me . It's just too tiring & it affects my relationship with people . You feel me ? 

I start to talk less , 

communication with people are cut down to the minimum , and as you know the tendency of people leaving our lives are higher than staying . So my social circle always only gets smaller instead of expanding . I start to wonder if I even remember how to make friends , how to look at people in the eye . I truly miss how I used to be (character wise) , I miss interacting with people . But I'm just so lost . I start to give a fuck about how people look at me , because I feel no matter what we do , people are still gonna judge you . People are just gonna find that one thing just to pull you down & make you feel less of yourself . I start to keep quiet , so people wouldn't be able to say I'm desperate for friends . But I feel it back fired , people start to think I'm unfriendly , anti social & egoistic . When in fact , my ego was never there .

I start to lose

the confidence I used to have . I became nervous when I step out of my house , I dare not look at people around in fear that they would judge me . I start to wonder if I'm ever fit to be anyone's friend . If I would ever embarrass anyone as they're associated with me . I see all the good in people , how gorgeous they are & me ? Just a piece of ugly potato LOL . Then I realize how something small that happened could change so much of a person . It isn't what has happened that change people , it's how much an issue means to them that counts . People will NEVER understand because we're all different . If something can emotionally attack me , it doesn't mean it would affect you a single bit . We shouldn't ask for people to understand , but they should never judge just because we all feel & think differently .

As a person , 

I feel that I've became so much more inferior & this is not something that I would want to continue . It doesn't do me good at all , I want to find myself back , I don't wanna live everyday like I'm the worst person on Earth . I wanna be the one where people tells me they like me because I was being myself . If you're like me , give yourself a chance , don't be sad anymore , love yourself because here , I'm fighting to be a better person again , WITH YOU .

Moving on to 

my love life , I don't know how much you know about me when you read this post , but if you have read the posts I did on relationships , you would've known I had very very bad relationships in the past . To give you a round up of my past relationships , basically they always cheat on me with different girls , multiple times even after forgiving them , AND THEN THEY DUMP ME . Most people would think I would dump them after they cheat on me once , but no I did not . Many people thought I would've lost faith in future relationships , but no I didn't . I still give myself courage for future relationships & I did , but they always end up doing me wrong I don't know why .

I just feel that

we should never ever lose faith in relationships even if people in the past cheated on us etc . Never ever close yourself up just because of one person . So many people cheated on me , have I lost faith ? No . Because I believe that maybe I'm just not the one for those I've met . It's not all their fault , we cannot always blame others just because we feel hurt . That's something different about me because in the past , I used to think it's all their fault & I'm the victim . No doubt , cheating is always wrong , but what I never realize is , who knows it was me who caused them to do so ? 

I had very bad 

relationships all the way till I met my most recent ex in 2012 , he brought me to a whole new level , showed me how somebody could really love me the way I am . I'm a real asshole because he loved me , he loved me so much and given my past relationships , I should have (by right) know how to cherish him more right ? But guess what , I didn't . That's when I realize that people will always take others for granted when they feel they can , you wouldn't realize it till you lose them , till you reflect upon your own actions but most of the time , it's a little late . I've always been very honest with my actions , you ask , I answer . 

Therefore people thinks 

I've cheated on my latest ex . Yes I did , I did not cheat on him physically with someone else , neither did I go crazy flirting with another . But I felt I cheated on him because I was gradually giving my attention to someone else . I gave myself the excuse that we are unstable , I've all the right to seek attention from someone else , but seriously , we can't think this way if we love a person . I took him for granted & as time passes , he fell for another girl ... somebody that I've actually seen before . I was devastated . I did EVERYTHING I could to salvage the relationship . Because you only realize how much a person means to you only till you lost them . Honestly , I don't blame anyone , I blame myself . I unknowingly caused my own destruction & drama . 

People ask , why did 

you try so hard to get him back when you know it's already impossible ?

 Because I always tell myself this , I would rather look back knowing I did all I could than to look back regretting because I didn't give my all . Living with guilt everyday isn't easy , just like how I live with guilt everyday for not cherishing my mom . Therefore ever since then , I make sure I give my all to the people in my life , it doesn't hurt to give more right ? It makes me happy , to know I'm giving my best to people . 

As much as how

much a good boyfriend he had been , I'm not wanting him back now . Because once I'm done trying , knowing I did everything , I'm satisfied . That's it , I moved on pretty well , met new people , but still single haha . People always wonder why I can stay so optimistic about relationships when all I get is crap (most of the time) . It's not that it has been easy for me , it's not that I'm a bo chup person , it's because I know my life needs to move the fuck on . 

We should all move forward when we're done wallowing in self pity . 

Every single one of us have our own way of 'healing' . Once you're done with torturing/having fun/crying (whatever your healing method is) , move on . In every failed relationship we experience , we will definitely always learn something . And for me ? I bring what I learned with me , not inflicting my pain & hatred on the next . Because it's just unfair for the next person to suffer the mistakes the previous made . 

As of now , 

I enjoy being single . It's like taking a long break to allow myself to have a clearer picture of what I truly want . To sort out my own feelings of past relationships , make sure it no longer affects me & not thinking about anyone else , then will I allow myself to step into a new one . After all , I am still young , I've so much more to discover . Nobody wants to waste time in a relationship that you know for sure would not last . Even though I'm sure in time to come , I would need someone there for me emotionally & physically , I would not hastily get into a relationship again just because I miss having someone around . 

And if you ask me , would

I ever be with someone who once cheated on their girlfriends ? Yes , I would . Because I myself made mistakes too , it's not just us . Till today , adults still make that mistake . You know what's on my mind when I cheated emotionally ? I want somebody to believe that I wouldn't make that same mistake again and because I've made that mistake , I actually learned to cherish more . People always say , if someone cheated , they would do it again . This - I do not believe . Who knows maybe those who have yet to cheat are more prone to cheating ? 

 

Next up , Family . 

On 9th March 2014 , it would officially be the fourth year where my mom passed . Just few days back , I went crazy ranting on twitter in the middle of the night on how much I miss my mom after being jolted wide awake from a nightmare where I witness her death all over again . I mean , so many years have passed , shouldn't it be easier for me ? Why does it seem that lately , it's only getting tougher to handle my emotions on losing her . Why is it that lately , I've been missing & thinking about her so much more often & taking it harder on myself ? I don't understand . It's just too painful , I wonder if she know I love her .

Quoting from my Facebook 

post along with this picture I said , "I really hate this . But there's not a day where I don't think about my mom . There's not a day where I didn't live with guilt for not cherishing & being nice to her . I know I would never hear her nagging again . In fact , I never heard it for even during the last few years of her life . The quietness at home only represented how she's suffering alive . I remembered the last thing I said to her in the hospital was "mommy ? I love you" , I don't even know if she heard it . But seriously even if time could rewind , even if I were to love her with everything I have , I would still feel it isn't enough . When you lose someone you love , nothing you do will ever be enough in your eyes .. The ironic thing is , some idiots (like me) just have to learn it through the hard way . There's always someone going through something a lot worser than us ." 

I just wish she knew 

I now understand her pain & sufferings , I now understand she's more important than anyone else not because she's dead but because I love her . I now understand she have been keeping all the sufferings to herself as much as possible . But all these came a little too late . It's a huge price to pay , but I know I'm not experiencing the worst , so I ought to be strong & I will be .

Also , 

my dad & his girlfriend had moved in with me . Which means , I'm no longer alone in an empty house with my dog , ahboy ! 

 

Before they moved in ,

it was very lonely & scary for me to be sort of living alone at home . My eldest sister have been living outside for 7 years now & my second sister moved out as well . Leaving me and my bro (which have already been in NS since last year August) . What's more I hardly go out , so most of the time I would be alone at home which is mad crazy . First thing people will always say , "wah so shiok you've the whole house to yourself blablabla" , YEA I MEAN , that's how I felt at first too ?! But after some time , I realized it's damn bad , I would feel so empty inside me every now & then staying in a home with nobody as if it's a freaking hotel . 

But now , at least

somebody's keeping the house clean for free & I'm getting proper home cooked food . Because before that , I had to hire part time maids to clean up my house & delivery was how I settle my meals every single day . But now , my dad's girlfriend is doing the job so it isn't affecting me much . Speaking of my dad having a girlfriend , it's been quite some time now & I really hate how people think that having move on with a new partner means you don't love the previous . That's fucking untrue and ridiculous . Because till today , my dad still misses my mom every single day & I TRUST HIM . My dad's phone lock & home screen has always been my mom's picture & he posts pictures of her on his Facebook all the time , telling me how much he misses my mom .... 

There was once , 

my dad's girlfriend told me he had cried himself to sleep because he misses my mom so much . I always share what my dad says about my mom on my social media platforms because I respect my dad so fucking much . And somebody shared my post that says , "love goes a long way even when they're not there for you anymore" - I agree with this so much . 

And to many of you 

who are always asking me what happened to my mom etc , to give you a super super round up (I'd skip the details) , she died in the hospital because she fell ill and it's sort of because of cancer as it started from there & suffered for about 6 years . She's a really strong & kind woman . I've never seen anyone like her , someone who stands firmly on what she believes in .

Lastly , work . 

I've been meeting up with people from ForJakeSake since Blog Shop Festival 2012 to firm things up and yayyyyyyyyyy I'm officially a blogger under Mousetrap which will launch soon ! Recently , I went on a work trip to KL with the Mousetrap crews , Joleen (my manager who manages me) & some other bloggers ! It was so enjoyable , I'm already missing it ! 

Even though it

was pretty tiring over at KL , but it was worthwhile . Would blog about this trip separately on another post real soon :D I just hope things would progress smoothly and that the company & I can be of help to each other mutually as I really love them . And the best part is seeing money after hard work LOL . It's motivation right ?! I wanna work towards my goal , I don't wanna give up . Whoever you are reading this , don't give up either (: 

However

the negative side of me is disturbing . I just keep wondering why they signed a contract with me when they could've picked other better bloggers as well . But I'm not gonna let this affect me anymore . Seems like I've many things to improve on for all the things I've listed out on this ultra wordy blog post HAHHA . Action speaks louder than words , I'll do it ! 

I guess that's how my life

have really been in the year 2013 to this date , thank you for taking time off & reading this . It's been a long time since I really wrote something like this on my blog , truly grateful . Thank you for being here through this journey and be happy ♥

A new start .

If some of you know , 

I used to be a part of SMOOVE , the biggest and best night life working team ever in Singapore to achieve the best mixage parties for the people in town . We had the best people working with us , till now I still take pride over SMOOVE . However , I'm now with the rests a part of VAUNT . The new company taking over SMOOVE . Which I believe , we would continue to take mixage parties to greater heights ! 

To cut short explaining , 

I shared this on Facebook few days back : 

"To all the party people,
We sincerely thank all of you for supporting SMOOVE over all these years and we greatly appreciate all you party animals. It has been beautiful, amazing and unforgettable. We really showed everyone that the youth of Singapore really know how to party. However, SMOOVE has now been taken over by VAUNT.

As the new management for the underage industry, we promise to bring to you bigger, better and more happening parties with full of surprises. Do continue to support as we will be throwing more parties for all of you from here on.

This is what we love to do and we want everyone of you to be part of this amazing journey.

VAUNT
[Never Gonna Lose Its Vibe] " 

Yes , this is what we like to do .
To be honest , till today , it still feels like I just started in this industry yesterday . But looking back , I've been with them for 3 years . I still remembered how we are like a big family and STILL AM . If you're a reader of mine , you would know that for the past year , they were the ones who celebrated my birthday for me . If you want , you can read it HERE . They gave me a great surprise really .

And yeap , so during this March ,
most of you great Singapore teens came for both our parties at Powerhouse & Rebel ! Some unglamorous photos of me for you on both days hahaha :

Thought my nails looked kinda plain that day when I woke up , so I decided to paint it red . If you noticed , red nails is my all time favorite ! ♥ Did it with mini OPI I bought when I went JB with my boyfriend recently about 2 blog posts below !

Had cuticle treatment as well ! I don't use this often , supposed to be treated with this once a week !

Many people around Singapore wears gold rings and some of course on the middle finger like I do . I like it best on my middle finger I don't know why , but people just keep mistaking girls who resembles me + wears gold ring on middle finger = me . But no haha .

And I would have to say ,
that I may not be presentable good looking online already , I'm worst in real life ! So probably not as fancy as people whom you see out there who resembles my pictures online . But these pictures taken with phone can't be photoshopped lah so lol .

Love the collar though ! Was sponsored quite long ago by a blogshop . Even did a video ad for them ! Haha

OOTD that day to Powerhouse . MY MIND WENT BLANK when I thought about what I could wear . So I just casually/unprofessionally put on a H&M basic and brighten everything up with a maroon skater skirt ! I love love love this , it is sponsored & my post for this particular online shop is to be up approximately on 10th April (: [There would be 2 blog ads do not mix them up ! Will state which one sells this skater skirt]

My new twitcon here @ChrysanLee . Tempted to change it to the one below though .

Re-Instagram post from Prissy that day ! She's the best operation team back in SMOOVE and my fellow scorpio mate hehe . I love her !

We also got
stickers like this printed out for you people out to party at Powerhouse that day ! I received many good feedback about these that you guys likes it ! I came up with the "She want's the D" but ... I obviously didn't designed it lah !

Numerous stickers pasted on me hahaha

I really love the design of the logo and tagline . Looks so classy !

For REBEL ,
I didn't take any photos at all but I just wore a basic , bandage , threw a blazer on and off I go ! I hope you guys enjoyed both the parties and Powerhouse & Rebel ! Those who missed it out , don't worry there will be more to come and even more exciting ones ! See you guys around ! ^^ ♥

P/S : I'm recruiting , if you're keen , drop me a PM on my Facebook . 

The mini shopping with Love !

The title of my blog post

always summarize everything up ! Needless to say , I had mini shopping with the sweetest the few days back ! To be exact , my boyfriend did the shopping with me :D ♥ ! I love how patient he is whenever he's out with me and how he doesn't leave me alone . I hate it when guys just ditch their girlfriends while doing shopping because they're lazy , totally not interested or embarrassed . Even while shopping for bras , yes my boyfriend didn't leave . He told me which ones he liked though LOL . Good enough ! 

It all started off where

my man just keep saying he needs to get a new pair of slippers , which he thought Havaianas would be a good idea since his Birkenstock went missing on one of the days where he went for Lion Dance ! So Day 1 , we went out with his friends to Cineleisure Orchard and I was completely looking crappy , a layer of foundation , tank , shorts & a pair of slippers with my bangs pinned up -______- 

Who starts off a good

day with a bad outfit , right ? My boyfriend ended up disappointed that day because ........ he didn't get to buy his slippers since they were busy playing pool and dining at different timings . With a huge downpour that day , we couldn't make our way to the nearest Havaianas outlet ):

So we made plans that night

for tomorrow , Day 2 . Plan was , he would come over my place at evening to fetch me and head off to ION Orchard to get his slippers and maybe I can do some shopping too ! But it ended up I was so so lazy to even prepare , by the time he came , I was still in my pajamas ! Feeling guilty , I decided to quickly get ready and head out with him ♥

OUR OUTFIT THAT DAY :

He just allowed me to post this photo on my Instagram without noticing that his face was like .... this T^T

 He pampers me so much that even

when we're out , no matter how I insist that I would hold my own handbag or shopping bags , he would still hold them for me and give stupid excuses like "Eh your handbag very nice , show me ; Give me la I want put my handphone only ; Show me what's inside your bag ? ; I wanna hold this shopping bag la , look very ATAS !" Yeap . No wonder I'm such a brat , don't judge ! 

After which the happy boy gets

his slippers , I dragged him into Forever 21 since that was the only women apparel store which was opened at a rather late timing ! And there he goes nagging things like "Hoi , you can only buy 3 apparels today ah ; Dear , buy only when you save more money , then we can go shopping together , now don't buy too much ok ? ; The clothes here all ugly , don't buy" 

(P/S: I REALLY ONLY DID BUY 3 PIECE OF CLOTHING IN FOREVER21) 

And if I ever did head out

having makeup on etc , I would ALWAYS want to take photos , any time anywhere . Otherwise , where got photos to Instagram and blog right ? LOL I'm so fucked up , always cooking up excuses and nonsense . 

On that day , 

while I just wanted to let my hair down , my guy suddenly suggested to me a new hairdo which I've NEVER tried before . And to please him , I tried and I really did head out with it . Becomes hairdo of the day on Instagram and Facebook . Many of you liked it ♥ ! Thank my boyfriend for it haha . 

HAIRDO OF THE DAY

I quickly browse through most

of Forever21's clothes and picked out the few pieces which both me and Kaiming likes and purchased it with no hesitations . I didn't wanna buy clothes that my boyfriend doesn't like .. I mean , I wear it out for him to see most of the time right ? I want something that I like wearing in it and him enjoy looking at . Practice on that Chrysan . 

Of course , there wouldn't be a time where

people head out without having food . We went to Cineleisure's Orchard Old Town for dinner since I was craving for their Red Bean . Their red bean drink is fantastic with it's generous amount of whipped cream on it ! But when I did get to order again this time , I decided to try a different drink and it's the Blended Milk Tea . Fucking hell it was awesome ! 

I remembered the first time

I went to Old Town for dinner and I had to make a choice between Red Bean and Milk Tea . Because it was the only two that caught my eye and ever since I decided on Red Bean , I've always had that at Old Town and nothing else . And that day when I had the Milk Tea , I fell in love with it ! I love both ♥ ! 

Halfway through dinner , Kaiming

asked me to take a nice picture of him . You may wonder , why ask me ? Why not take it himself ? I'm seriously not trying to imply something , but I SWEAR his self shots are so fucking ugly ! Everyone agrees . Before I seen him in real life , his Facebook photos were the only pictures I could see , so obviously I went to browse it . Woah I swear 90% of his self shots on Facebook are damn ugly which girl would want to see ???? But when I saw him in real life , I was so shocked . Like how can a person look so good in real life but so ugly in photos ? There , blame himself . LOL 

Just why do most guys look ugly in photos and good in real life ? 

I especially hate it when guys take photos of themselves super near their face instead of full body shots . And Kaiming does that lol . To satisfy your curiosity , you can view Kaiming's Facebook photos on his profile HERE . Baby , if you happened to read this , I still love you okay LOL ♥

If you noticed he went for a haircut too ! My handsome man :D :D 

 After dining at Old Town , 
we met up with his friends including bestie Eng Chuan to Club GAGA and the guys did the drinking while I just watch . Damn , I just can't drink . Or not . LOL . But we were happy with our buys that day ! 

On Day 3 ,
 I went to Cineleisure Orchard to meet up with Kaiming since he was doing some shopping that day all over Orchard with his friends !

 MY OUTFIT OF THAT DAY BELOW :

I was there early 
and while waiting for Kaiming , I happen to see Irene and she accompanied me for quite some time at Cineleisure till I decided to take a walk at H&M ! Over there , I did some shopping too with my boyfriend and the usual peeps (:

Time passed fast ! 
After shopping and dinner , we went home and gave night time leisure a pass ~
 Vain girl me couldn't resist temptation but to pick up my iPhone and snapped pictures . No filters yet ! Photos will be uploaded to Instagram after this blog post (: 

Long bus rides are always good if you have your favorite music in your phone with your earpiece . And maybe , together with someone special ♥

I especially like the feeling where
I'm with someone special and even though we aren't talking , we are totally enjoying the presence of one another . I don't even have to say a thing to feel happy .

Day 4 , I went Paragon (I think) and
walked towards a Topshop outlet along Orchard because I'm DYING TO BUY A FREAKING LIMITED LEATHER JACKET FROM THERE . I had dinner with my dad earlier on that night , yes Salted Egg Crabs if you've seen my Insta below :

LOL , my delicious breakfast + lunch + dinner that night ! ♥

My dad sent me off to take a cab after dinner
and chiong all the way to find my boyfriend and the rests hoping that the Topshop outlet isn't closed yet because my man says , he saw the jacket that I want in that outlet ! (I went to a few outlets before hand and it was already sold out)

OUTFIT I WORE THAT DAY :

Cosmo Inspired Outfit ~

Just as I was reaching , 
I received a call from Kaiming saying that the jacket that I want is only left with size UK8 and his friend which went along with him bought it for his girlfriend on the spot cause she liked it too :@ ! Which when I reach , they were still there with Kaiming ... holding the freaking Topshop shopping bag with the leather jacket in it that I've always wanted so badly .... Imagined how that felt ? 

I was so disappointed ..
and secretly felt upset but I didn't wanted to show it that much and not wanting to ruin my boyfriend's mood . Even though I know he wouldn't because he cares for my feelings a lot more than his own ... So I decided to just continue and have a great day with them and headed to Cineleisure to accompany my boyfriend to have his dinner . Silly him didn't even had his dinner though he knew I was dining with my dad already ! 


But just as I decided
to sit down for awhile before heading over to Cineleisure , Kaiming's friend suddenly passed me the Topshop shopping bag and said "nah give you la" Then I replied , "I thought it's UK8 and it's for your girlfriend ?" My glance shifted to his girlfriend as I said . They started laughing and said , "Don't blame us , Kaiming planned all these , he wanted to give you a surprise , it's a UK6 la . He bought the leather jacket for you ." 

While listening to all
that explanation which I asked for and suddenly stuffed to me , I was in complete shock and my mood slowly lifted . I felt so happy that once again , my boyfriend gave me a surprise and it was so successful . I totally bought their story , I didn't even expect it to be such a pleasant surprise ! 

My boy didn't even get anything for himself . 
He's a lion dancer , his money is really hard earned and it doesn't come easy ..... Yet , he splurged on me . No matter how I gave him back the money in cash , he refused to take it back . It's not about the jacket , it's all about how he just wants to bring a smile on to my face .
 

That night ended early , but
spending time with him is still the greatest thing ever . 

Finally , our mini loots :

Belt from AX , Jeans from The Denim Store , Black & White Basic Tank from H&M , Black bag from H&M , Denim Jacket from Forever 21 , Neon Peach bag from H&M , White translucent blouse from Forever 21 , White loose top from Forever 21 .

The leather jacket that my boyfriend bought for me is from Topshop . My size is UK6 .

 Tell me if you guys want
a haul video again soon featuring all my buys along with my boyfriend ! It's been quite sometime since I last did a haul video ! I feel that we girls should be open to different styles of makeup , hairdo and outfits . Because if you don't , you won't know what actually really works well on you ! And trying out different styles once in awhile is really refreshing for you and people around ♥ !

Ending this post with the most unglam sight
of me and Kaiming in history . Good morning everyone and I hope you guys stay happy everyday , just don't stop reading ! ♥
 

Direct your questions to my Formspring @ChrysanLee

Twitter/Instagram @ChrysanLee

If you're free , do check out my latest club event HERE . Everyone's invited !